So I finally upgraded from my PC laptop to a MacBook and when I was setting up my iCloud account all of these old blog posts from back in 2016 started to resurface.
It's pretty thrilling when you get to dig through the mind of your younger self, but what I wasn't prepared for was this overwhelming feeling of disappointment. I'm sure you're probably thinking that it's only natural to feel disappointed or even regret the things you did and said when you were younger, but actually I wasn't disappointed in my younger self... I was disappointed in the me I am today.
Now let me tell you why.
When I read those blog posts it's was if I were reading the wise words of a young woman who had nothing but complete confidence and faith in who she was. Man, those blogs even inspired me as I read them and I was the person who wrote them! lol
But let's get back to the disappointment.
Why was I feeling that way? Well the answer is simple...When I look in the mirror today I no longer see that blossoming confidence.
What I see now is a young married woman on the road to motherhood who is still struggling to figure out who she is in this new season of life. A season that is constantly growing, and if I'm being honest, I feel like I've left my old self behind in order to just "keep moving forward".
Man that was a tough realisation. And I find myself angry at the fact that I let myself fall so far away from the incredible woman I was becoming back then. The woman that was hurting, but never gave up. The woman that spent all of her spare time bettering herself and learning. The woman my husband fell in love with.
I think that was the hardest part. Feeling like maybe I wasn't the person my husband chose. That made me feel sick for a moment because I never meant to lose her. It was never my intention to shrink instead of grow and now I'm just left sitting here thinking to myself "Who even am I?" I know I should give myself at least a little credit because at the end of the day I love the life I live, but where have I hidden my passion? My confidence? My creativity?
It's not gone forever, but I've definitely misplaced it.
I think we all go through a season like this at some point or another. One where you've some how lost sight in what truly matters to you. It's noble to put others first, but it should never been done in a way that compromises who you are and what makes you happy.
So here starts my journey to finding her again. The girl I loved being. And the search for 'me' doesn't come from a place of dissatisfaction, but instead, it comes from a place of knowing my worth and knowing that I've spent far too long pretending like I didn't just set myself on a shelf.
It's all starting to make sense. When I got married I was no longer just an individual. I became one with a whole other human and I guess I never stopped to think about how I was going to add my authentic self to my husband. Instead, I threw my whole identity out the window and tried to "start from scratch". That was my biggest mistake.
Getting married and two becoming one doesn't mean that you give up who you are to become a whole new person. I didn't understand that back then.
My poor husband has been my biggest supporter and has tried to tell me this for over a year now... He saw me giving up on bits of me that used to make me special. He watched as I walked away from every little dream and passion I carried and I think it scared him. So he tried and he tried to inspire me to go and pick it all back up. But I just couldn't... His motivational wise words had no effect on me.. .but I see it all clearly now...
I guess it just took looking into the mind of my old self to see just how far I had strayed from the person I used to be. And I realised that I missed her... Even more so, I thought about my daughter and how I want to be that strong confident women for her.
So If I could give any advice to you it would be to hold onto the "YOU" you're most proud of. "never let go of your passion and your confidence"... don't give up on yourself because of priorities or obligations because one day you're going to realise that you lost yourself along the way, and in the worse case scenario, you may not be able to handle the guilt that the realisation brings.
Now, something I've had to remind myself as I start this journey of re-self discovery is to be kind to myself. It's been 3+ years since I was fully my authentic self and it's going to take time to shake off all of the layers that aren't truly me.