I used to have this fear that I somehow could never be enough, and trust me, it would manifest itself in almost all of my social situations.
I specifically remember the first time I ever compared myself to another person and how that made me feel. I was twelve and the boy I liked told me he couldn't like me anymore because of who I was as a person. He literally said "it's YOU, not me." and still to this day I hope that that poor boy just didn't know how to use that saying correctly, but nevertheless, I was speechless lol. That made my little mind go a million places and I wondered why he couldn't see what I saw in myself. I was angry at first, but then later that week at a mutual friends pool party, he rocked up with a new girl on his arm.
Of course, I was stunned and remember feeling my heart drop into my stomach for the first time. Who was this girl? And was she the reason he no longer liked me?
My tiny heart felt so broken and I started to compare myself to every little aspect of this new girl. I would do so from a distance as I wanted to appear strong and unphased by the whole situation in front of me, let's be real, I was far from being "unphased". At one point, when I was swimming in the pool with my friends, the new girl came right over to me and said, "Your so-and-so's ex-girlfriend, right?" (I wanted to crawl into a hole and never leave!)"Uh, yeah I guess?" I said, wanting to pretend like my little feelings for him never existed. Well, that apparently opened the door for the new girl to ask a bunch of personal questions and I found myself in the most embarrassing conversation of my life up until that point lol.
She wanted the scoop on her new arm candy and well I couldn't give her the answers she wanted. To be honest, I was just an innocent twelve-year-old girl who innocently liked a boy. I never kissed him or even held hands and when she found that out she laughed at me and walked away. That conversation made me feel like such a loser. Like somehow I wasn't good enough because of my "inexperience". But kids can be so cruel.
She made me feel like she was a hot ice cream sundae and I was cold tomato soup. Dramatic, I know, but that's how I felt. After that moment, I started to compare myself and my life experiences to anyone I was threatened by. Why wasn't I skinny enough? Why wasn't I more cool and interesting? Why don't I have all the boys lining up to talk to me?
And to be honest, that didn't really change as I grew older.
Time and time again that dreaded "pool-party fiasco" would repeat itself in history and I would be left feeling unworthy and rejected over and over. New situation, but the same story.
It's crazy how we learn to compare ourselves at such an early age. And I feel as though I let the lie of comparison be apart of my everyday life. I would be left so broken every time a boy would reject me or get bored of me. I would give up on things when I felt like I wasn't as good as everyone else, but I started to realize that I was missing out on life as a result of it. Constantly comparing myself led me to become a type of perfectionist. An unhealthy kind, I might add.
It's taken a lot of time with the Lord to have a breakthrough in that area, but at the end of the day thanks to His love for me, I've been able to regain some of the child-like confidence I used to have in myself.
I know I am LOVED. I know that I am GOOD ENOUGH. And when you stop comparing yourself to others you will start to see that for yourself as well.
Just remember that those people you're comparing yourself to, God made them too. And guess what?? They don't have the same calling as you do, so their "perfection" will look different to yours.
Be happy with the you that's deep inside, and just remember that comparison is the thief of joy.